The problem…

“I’d like some advice on how I should introduce my boyfriend to my parents. We are serious about one another, and I think he could be the one I want to spend my life with – I really love him. My problem is, I’m not sure how my army officer father and my ‘what-will-the-neighbours’ say mother will cope.

“Aside from the fact he’s 14 years older than me – which I know my dad won’t like – he has a dreadful family background. His dad is in gaol for embezzling money, his mum is an alcoholic, and his sister was recently arrested for prostitution.

“He doesn’t see them but does talk to them occasionally, so when my mum asks him ‘what does your father do?’, as I know she will, it’s going to be really awkward. On top of that, my boyfriend has been married before. He’s been divorced for about eight years and there are no children involved, but I know my dad won’t like it.

“I just know my mum will put her foot in it and make things awkward, and I just don’t know how I’m going to cope.”

Fiona says…

“What is it that you are really worrying about here? Are you afraid that your parents will ask you to choose them over your boyfriend, and issue a ‘him or us’ ultimatum? Do you think they will try and stop you seeing him again? Or are you just worried that the whole thing will be awkward and embarrassing? However bad it is, it won’t be any worse than you have been imagining! So, if you love this man, set up a meeting and get it out of the way.

“I expect your boyfriend is beginning to think your parents both have two heads each, and they’re probably imagining him as some kind of monster! By keeping them apart, all they can do is imagine the most terrible things about one another. And they are probably all as anxious as you are.

“The reality will almost certainly be easier than you think, and hopefully they will all have enough sense to accept each other’s differences. If your parents are as concerned for you as they seem to be, the most important thing will not be his family, his divorce, his age, but his feelings for you and his ability to make you happy.

“Your parents need never have anything to do with his family – they may not even need to ever meet. It doesn’t sound like you want to have much to do with them either, but you should be aware that your boyfriend may feel the need to keep up a connection. Be sure you can cope if he does. For example, if you have children together, will you be willing for them to have a relationship with their grandparents on his side? It’s things like that you need to think about.

“So, if you can work those sorts of things out with your boyfriend, I am sure you can be perfectly happy together. And that is almost certainly all your parents really want for their daughter.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.