The problem…

“My boyfriend and I have been going out together for two years now and we have been making plans to get married next spring. I really love him, and I love the way he shows me how much he cares about me, which is something other boyfriends haven’t done.

“When we’re out together he holds my hand all the time and puts his arm around my shoulders if ever another man comes over to talk to us. He’s forever buying me gifts and posting cute photos of us together on Instagram and says he’d rather be with me than with any of his friends, not that he seems to have very many.

“What bothers me a bit though, is that I don’t think he trusts me. If I want to go out on my own, he really doesn’t like it, even if it’s a shopping trip with one of my girlfriends. If I happen to glance in the direction of another man, he gets really upset and agitated.

“The other week, when I did go out shopping with a friend without him, I spotted him following me. When I asked him about it though, he laughed it off and said I must have been mistaken, but I know I wasn’t.

“When it is just the two of us together, he is loving, kind and caring, but I am not sure if I can cope with his possessiveness long-term. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he just denies it and says of course he trusts me. I am so worried that in the long-term, this will spoil our relationship, and I’m beginning to think I should call off the wedding plans.”

Fiona says…

“I think you are right to think carefully about making a long-term commitment to a partner who is so possessive and jealous. All this ‘loving’ and ‘caring’ behaviour may seem flattering, but it’s indicative of a man with deep insecurities and that makes me question things. I would also caution you about the way men like this can turn from possessiveness to aggression when they feel their control over you is threatened.

“When someone tries to separate you from your friends, and not let you out of their sight, their behaviour is not normal. True love involves trust and respect, and those are two things your boyfriend isn’t showing you right now.

“None of this necessarily means an end to your relationship though, but he needs to recognise the damage that the way he is behaving can do in the long term to your relationship. If you can get him to talk about this, then maybe you can make progress with this relationship. But please realise it’s not up to you to ‘fix’ him – he’s the only person that can do that.

“You can’t make him feel better by loving him more or by telling him your every move. You need to establish boundaries – following you isn’t acceptable, nor is reading your messages or monitoring what you do. You need to have privacy and freedom and he needs to learn to respect that, as well as accept that his controlling behaviour stems from his own problems and that it’s nothing to do with you.

“He will have to start working on fixing things himself and a therapist would be very helpful in this regard. In all probability, it’s something in the past that has triggered this anxiety and insecurity, so however much you love him, I’d encourage you to call off the wedding until he’s got himself some help. Spending the rest of your life with someone who trusts you so little that he cannot bear to let you out of his sight would become a prison for you – don’t let that happen.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.