The problem…

“For two years, my fiancé and I scrimped and saved so we could have the wedding of our dreams in summer 2020. Of course, the pandemic put paid to that. Fortunately, although a lot of people knew the date, we’d not sent out any invitations nor paid much in the way of deposits.

“We’d originally planned to have a really big wedding and wonderful honeymoon and we’ve pretty much still got all that money, and have transferred our booking to June 2021. The thing is though, after lockdown and being forced to cut back on everything, I’m now having second thoughts about the ‘big day’.

“We’ve had no meals out, no cinema trips, no dancing – those were special treats we allowed ourselves sometimes and I’ve really missed them. Saving was hard going, and at times I really resented not being able to do the things other couples were doing – but I’m now wondering what my dream day is really about!

“What is the point of spending all that money on a huge wedding, paying for lots of people – many of whom aren’t even close friends – to come and watch us get married? I think we’d be better off using the money in other ways, including having a bit more fun. If we keep on saving, we’d soon have enough to pay the deposit on our first home.

“My fiancé thinks I’ll regret not having a ‘big day’ but I’m not so sure. I am seriously thinking I only want immediate family and very close friends, and that the idea of 30 people at a ceremony seems about right. Especially if it means we could get a home and possibly start a family much sooner. Do you think he’s right – will I live to regret it if I cut things right back for the wedding?”

Fiona says…

“It’s one of the strange things about lockdown that so many simple weddings have – when they’ve been allowed – gone ahead, regardless of significantly reduced numbers.

“For me, that can only be a good thing, as so many young couples saddle themselves with big debts at the start of a relationship, simply in order to have a ‘spectacular’ day.

“Yes, pledging yourself to another person is something to celebrate – but it’s something personal, so why does it have to cost the same as a deposit on a small house? I’ve heard of people having their receptions with fish and chips on the beach, or picnics in the park – costing so much less than a posh venue proper ‘do’. A special day doesn’t have to cost tons of money – it can be special because you make it so.

“How you make your day special is very much down to you and the people you love. Scrimping and saving is all very well, but if it makes you resentful and bitter, that’s not going to help your relationship.

“I would suggest you and your fiancé sit down and have a serious chat about what you want from life, as well as the wedding, and how you’re going to achieve it. If it’s more important to you to have your own home and to start a family, than to splash out on a fancy big wedding, then you need to convince your fiancé of this too.

“Many grooms may not seem overly bothered about a big day but there may be certain things he’s hoping for – and this is a joint decision that you both need to be happy with.

“Once the two of you have reached an agreement, then you need to reach out to your wider family and let them know. Some people may be disappointed – but the bottom line is that you should have the day the two of you want, at a price you’re comfortable with, and that gives you something special to remember. Frame it in a positive way and I am sure people will be supportive.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.