19 January 2021

Mum moved in with us after Dad died – but it’s getting a bit much

19 January 2021

The problem…

“My father died early last year, leaving my mother to live on her own during this pandemic. She was desperately upset and clearly struggling, so I was going back and forth to her, trying to support her.

“My husband suggested that to save on the journeys, she could move in with us. It meant our two sons had to go back to sharing a room – which they weren’t very happy about but understood. However, none of us thought the situation would last so long.

TODO: define component type factbox

“I love my mother, don’t get me wrong, but this was never intended to be anything but a short-term arrangement. I wouldn’t mind if she did things, but all she wants to do is sit around the house and talk. My husband and I are both trying to hold down our jobs, working from home, on top of which we’re trying to home-school the boys.

“This has been going on now since October and the whole family is beginning to resent it, especially my sons who feel that she is forever prying into their lives and their room. I have tried to explain that she is just lonely and probably only wants to talk, but they find it very hard to accept this.

“My husband thinks I should just ask her to leave, but having invited her in the first place, I don’t feel I can do that. I suppose I am going to have to suggest it to her – but I have no idea how to do this without hurting her feelings and that’s the last thing I want to do.”

Fiona says…

“It can easily take years to come to terms with the death of a loved one, so your mother is probably still grieving.The fact you feel she has become overly dependent on you for support isn’t, therefore, surprising.

“Your husband’s suggestion that she move in with was kind, and probably the best thing to do in the current circumstances. It would have been hard for you to continue to support her with all the restrictions in place and high infection rates, even if you’d formed a bubble.

Talk to her in a positive way...

“You will need to be careful and tactful about how you move forward from here. Although it’s difficult for your family, I think, to ask her to move out now, whilst restrictions are so tight, would be a little unfair. Talk to her, in a positive way, about things she’s going to do when restrictions are eased a little further down the line.

“You could ask her what friends she’s looking forward to seeing again; mention local shops she may be missing; things like that. Without actually saying so, you will begin to make it clear to her that you’re not expecting her to stay with you long-term.

“I would also suggest you encourage her to introduce new activities and social contact into her life. This could help her feel more self-reliant and hopefully see that she still has a life to lead without your father being around – although understandably she may find this hard for a while.

“I’d also suggest that, meanwhile, you encourage your husband and children to try to be more patient. Of course, you’ll want to go easy on the boys too – children are dealing with a lot of changes and challenges too, and everyone needs a bit of space and privacy. But it would be good if, instead of resenting her, they sat and chatted with her from time to time. It might seem hard at first but they could help her to feel more at ease – which I suspect she isn’t feeling at present.

“You don’t mention whether you have a wider family or not, but if you do, perhaps they could be encouraged to help out too – although having her to stay, right now, could be tricky. Could they have video chats though? Given a little patience, I am sure you can get your message across without hurting her feelings.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

The best videos delivered daily

Watch the stories that matter, right from your inbox