The problem…

“I am so upset and shocked with my best friend because of the things she’s said about the man in my life. I’ve been with my lover for three years now and I love him so much, even though we can’t be together because of his wife.

“She said she thinks I am wasting my time trying to make any relationship with a married man last. She says all I can expect is a diet of lies and snatched moments with a man who, in all probability, is never going to leave his wife and children. How can she be this negative about a man she has never met?

“I have tried to explain to her that we love each other and that he is right for me, but she won’t listen. She says she’s watched me make a fool of myself for the past four years and decided it was time to tell me the truth.

“I’ve not had much luck with men in the past, but this time I feel sure – he IS different. It’s been really hard for us during lockdown and we’ve not been able to be together very much at all, but I know he’s only waiting for the right moment to leave his wife. He obviously can’t do so now, but my friend says if his relationship with his wife can survive being locked in together for a year, then he’s never going to leave.

“She says I’m mad to go on waiting for him and that it’s time I moved on. I don’t know if she and I can get over this. I’ve always valued her friendship, but surely she can’t be right about this?”

Fiona says…

“I don’t think she’s right to say you’re mad. But, however upsetting it is, I think you should listen to your friend’s concerns. You’ve been seeing this man for three years and he is no nearer to leaving his wife now than he was when you first met him. You cannot blame lockdown entirely for the fact you’re apart. If his relationship had been on the rocks, lockdown would have made things between them much worse.

“I’m afraid the simple truth is that married men with children rarely leave their wives. Even if they do, they very often go back. I know this is hard to hear, and although you love him, are you sure he is the answer to your happiness? If you continue to see him whilst he is still married, it will only bring you heartache and unhappiness. You have a good friend who cares about you. She wants you to be happy and although she’s been very blunt with you, she’s speaking this way because she very obviously cares.

“You may love this man – you may still want to tell him that you love him, but you need to make it clear that, whilst he is still married and with his wife, this relationship isn’t fair on any of you. It’s founded on lies and deceit and either you, and/or his wife and children, are going to end up hurt. Plus, he has spent three years lying and deceiving his wife – how can you be sure he’s not been doing the same to you?

“I believe your friend’s advice is sound and probably correct. I wouldn’t entirely classify it as a ‘waste of time’ though. Being with this man for so long will have taught you a lot – about what you want in a relationship and what has been missing from this one, for a start.

“Calling time on this relationship will hurt but you have a friend who cares about you and will, I am sure, want to help you through this pain. You say you’ve valued your relationship with her and she clearly wants to support you, so if you possibly can, take her advice and start to look for love with someone who is free to return it.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.