05 January 2021

My husband has really let himself go during lockdown – should I talk to him about it?

05 January 2021

The problem…

“Whilst we’ve been in lockdown and my husband has been working from home, he’s become positively feral! He’s stopped showering every day and although it’s usually every other day, sometimes it’s longer. He’s let his hair grow and grow and grow until it’s now in a ponytail, which really doesn’t suit him, mainly because he’s put on weight. In fact, he’s become really fat!

“He looks completely different to the man I married and seems unconcerned about the impact this is having on his health. To begin with back in the summer, he was at least walking most days, but since we get into winter he’s barely been out of the house.

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“He binge-watches TV, usually ghastly American sit-coms that I can’t bear to listen to, so we end up in separate rooms most of the time. He is still doing his job, which keeps him busy for some of the time, but for the rest of it, he does nothing but sit in an armchair.

“He’s only in his early-40s, but the way he’s let himself go means he looks a good 10 years older. I know it’s awful of me but I can’t help it – I’ve completely stopped fancying him, so much so that I have to really grit my teeth when he tries to make love to me. Not that he seems inclined to do that very often.

“I hate living like this and feel that it’s only a question of time before I tell him how I feel. Do you think saying something will make him change?”

Fiona says…

“Your husband isn’t the only person to have let himself go during the pandemic – and we mustn’t be too hard on ourselves and each other for that. These are tough times. The pandemic has caused depression in vast numbers of people – and it’s certainly possible that this is what your husband is feeling. It’s equally possible that it’s simply inertia driving his behaviour – he’s not going to work; it’s cold outside; he’s not seeing other people – so he might be thinking why bother?

“You could use the new year as a means of trying to galvanise him into doing something, but I wouldn’t focus on his weight or the way he looks, as that could be very hurtful and not exactly motivating. Instead, suggest that the two of you tackle a project of some kind, or take up something you can do together that will keep you both active.

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“One couple I know have bought a table tennis kit; another is making it a mission to clean one cupboard or drawer out every day; a third use an app to ensure they walk at least two miles a day. It really doesn’t matter what you do, so long as you – and he – find the motivation to do something together.

“If you tell him how you feel about him, you run the risk of denting his self-image further and would probably make him feel less inclined to take action. You’ll also risk damaging your relationship. If he is overweight (and not just bigger than you prefer), what he needs is support and encouragement. Rather than dwell on the current negatives, suggest that you’d enjoy it if you got active together.

“His lack of personal hygiene would certainly be off-putting as far as getting together physically is concerned, so why not suggest showering or bathing together? It might help to make you feel more intimate, as well as getting him clean – you could offer to cut his hair for him at the same time.

“I would really encourage you, for the sake of his mental health and yours, to try and get out for a daily walk – it’s one of the best ways to counter the inertia and feelings of stagnation. We still don’t know when this situation will end, and many relationships have fallen apart over the last few months. With a bit of understanding, you don’t have to become one of those statistics – but it does take a real effort, so dig deep and remember the man you love is still in there.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

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