The problem…

“I am 24 and have a lovely but noisy 18-month-old baby and another one on the way. Last week, my husband of two years, who is 22, simply walked out and went back to live with his mum.

“He didn’t say why he was leaving but he’s really been struggling with everything lately. He lost his job five months ago when his company went bust, and he’s been so worried about money. On top of that, I think he was finding the reality of family life just too much.

“My parents are horrified he’s done this, they’ve never really liked him and are putting great pressure on me to get a divorce. They think he is always going to be a weak husband and father and that I should cut my losses and run now. But I’m not sure that that is what I want to do, at least not yet.

“My husband speaks to me almost every day, and I know he’s struggling and is very unhappy. Whilst he hasn’t gone into any details, I think he would like to make at least one attempt to rescue our marriage, but my parents won’t listen.

“Are they right – is my husband just weak, or will he ever be able to cope with life? I’m just not sure what I should do.”

Fiona says…

“I’m sure you’re feeling a bit isolated at the moment and feel the need to turn to your parents for help, but please don’t let them dictate to you what happens next. This is YOUR life, YOUR marriage, and if you allow them to override your wishes now, I am sure you will regret it later.

“So many people have developed anxiety, depression and other mental health issues as a result of the huge economic and social upheaval the pandemic has caused. For your parents to judge him as ‘weak’ is hardly fair, when I’m sure he’s desperately worried about life and how he’s going to cope raising a young family without a job.

“It’s unsurprising he wants to feel like he’s somewhere ‘safe’ with less pressure, so if he had a happy, secure childhood, it makes sense that he would turn to his family home. The very fact that he’s contacting you every day indicates that he still feels a responsibility towards you and the children.

“For what it’s worth, I think you are right to attempt a reconciliation, if that is what you want (only you can really know that). If it is, then as a first step, I suggest you maintain the contact with your husband and encourage him to talk about his feelings and what he wants from life. Whilst it may not be easy to find a new job, perhaps encourage him in this too; he might want to consider new or additional training.

“As your parents are being so negative about him, I would also suggest you keep them apart from each another. If his mental health is fragile, a disparaging remark from them could set back any recovery he is making. That doesn’t mean you and the children shouldn’t see them, but do so without your husband for the time being.

“I would also be quite firm with them, if they start pushing you on divorce matters. Whilst they obviously have your wellbeing at heart, they may not have been impacted in the same way, either economically or psychologically, so don’t really understand.

“It could well be worth suggesting to your husband that you talk to a Relate counsellor together (relate.org.uk). It would give you a chance to talk through relationship concerns, as well as how you can support and help each other to prevent it breaking down again. That way, even if things do still eventually lead to separating, you’ll know that you’ll have done all you could to try and work things out.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.