14 December 2020

9 things you’ll understand if you’re terrible at buying presents

14 December 2020

They say it’s the thought that counts, but sometimes what counts is including the receipt.

We’ve all given gifts that have missed the mark, but for some of us, present purchasing is a stress we can’t quite crack. Here are a few things you’ll understand if you’re absolutely dreadful at buying for your nearest and dearest…

1. It’s not that you don’t care…

Gift-giving is an art form, and as with every art form, there are visionaries and there are philistines. No, it didn’t immediately occur to you that those giraffe earrings you briefly saw in Accessorise would be just perfect for your second cousin, but that doesn’t mean you love her any less.

2. You got it spot on once, and you’ll never top it

Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and as many birthdays as you have relatives – you’ve had plenty of opportunity to showcase your gift-giving credentials, and the one time you nailed it will live on in legend and song. It’s also a high watermark you’ll never again get near, and every year the looks of disappointment are more mournful, because they know you can do it when you try.

3. You have a go-to gift for everyone

You bought Auntie Brenda a book once, and she seemed to like it. That means Auntie Brenda will be getting books until the end of time. Yes, you know there are different types of book. Please don’t complicate things.

4. Joint presents are life-savers

“Can’t we just put both our names on it,” is a borderline insulting thing to ask someone who’s given their gifts due care and attention. It’s also a Christmas Eve staple, and you will happily push your luck until it runs out.

5. It’s become a running joke

Most rubbish present-purchasers are born that way, and it’s better to be outed as useless then be publicly branded a Grinch. We reserve particular pity for substandard gift-givers with unusually thoughtful families.

6. Christmas lists are godsends

Take away the air of festive frivolity, and Santa Claus is a very transactional figure. Children provide a list of desired products and Santa hits up suitable stockists, cloaking his predictable presents in a layer of paper that generally fools no one. If only adults could be so straightforward. Where’s your sense of childish joy?

7. You always end up buying late

Last-minute Christmas shopping is a hallmark of the disorganised, but it’s also what happens if you wait too long for inspiration to strike. The first 23 days of browsing turned up nada, but we’re sure day 24 will come good.

8. Splurging doesn’t always pay off

Spending lots of money on someone forces to them at least feign gratitude, but it won’t stop them bad-mouthing your terrible taste over the evening eggnog. You can’t buy the personal touch. You can purchase buyer’s remorse.

9. Sometimes, it’s not your fault

“Surprise me,” they say. But no clothes, because only they know what fits, and no books, because they have a Kindle, and nothing domestic, because they’ll take it as a passive aggressive comment on their home… Some people are just incredibly difficult to buy for, and it should be punishable.

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