Up until this week, I’d never succumbed to I’m A Celeb fever. Every year, my WhatsApp group chats would blow up with speculation about who’ll be picked to do the latest grisly Bushtucker Trial that inevitably involves chewing on kangaroo bottom or something equally rank.

Now on season 20 and peaking at 12 million viewers, it seemed time I finally bit the bullet and investigated whether the jungle show is all it’s cracked up to be…

1. Hang on a minute, why is it in a castle?

I thought the whole point of the show was to force celebs to battle with bugs and uncomfortable living conditions, in the hope it will push them to breaking point? All in the name of entertainment, of course.

This year the celebs have been transplanted from the Australian jungle to Gwrych Castle in Wales, and to be fair, it actually looks quite cosy… in a rural Airbnb kind of way.

2. Why is Vernon Kay constantly name dropping via boring celeb stories?

Campmate Kay spoke about meeting his favourite celebrity, Tom Hanks. I was hoping there’d be some incredibly interesting anecdote to save what might be the most obvious name drop of all time, but alas, I was wrong. Kay just chatted about asking Hanks for his signature on a DVD…

3. Is everyone usually this nice?

Beverley Callard saying they’re all “one big family”. Shane Richie exclaiming Victoria Derbyshire is a ” lovely lady”. Giovanna Fletcher saying Vernon Kay is “just brilliant”.

Come on guys, where’s the drama? I thought there’d be campmates slagging each other off in that Bush Telegraph room, and having a diva strop over the lack of central heating. I’m hoping the honeymoon period ends soon.

4. Do Ant and Dec always wear matching outfits?

The older Ant and Dec get, the more identical they seem to become. To make matters worse, they’ve only gone and worn matching jackets. Somebody sack the stylist.

5. Is watching it usually this much of an ordeal?

New campmates Ruthie Henshall and Russell Watson were put to task in a game called Eye Scream, which saw them use their mouths to transfer three fish eyes from a large bowl into three dishes. They then had to crush a fish eye over each tub, causing the bulbous spheres to explode between their teeth.

Aside from being utterly foul to watch, the whole segment put me right off my dinner. Let’s just say, I won’t be tucking into a casserole while tuning into I’m A Celeb ever again.

6. Why did it take so long to give them a shower curtain?

One thing I’m glad to see is the famous outdoor shower has been replaced, so there’s no gawping at campmates as they strip off and shower under a waterfall anymore.

The celebs now have a little dignity while washing; there’s a shower curtain – even if it looks like a really grubby one. I think this is what they call progress.

7. What’s the big deal?

I can now claim to have watched an I’m A Celeb episode, and I honestly don’t see the appeal. The trials are too stomach-churning, the celebrities too virtuous and the jokes a bit too dad-like.

Give me the fighting and mugging off of Love Island any day. And let me enjoy it with my casserole.