Launched following the death of Caroline Flack, who suffered overwhelming online abuse and took her own life in February 2020, Social Media Kindness Day is held on November 9 (the presenter’s birthday) to encourage internet users to call out trolling or negativity online.

It’s a timely topic. In September, football fan Simon Silwood was jailed for racially abusing West Bromwich Albion player Romaine Sawyers – the eight-week sentence thought to be the first handed out to a supporter for online abuse – and earlier this month, a Chelsea fan was also given an eight-week term for online abuse aimed at rival fans.

In these cases, criminal offences were committed, but what should you do if you witness – or are the subject of – horrible comments on social media that don’t break the law? And how can you call out bad behaviour without becoming a bully yourself?

“It’s always right to call out offensive comments,” says Kemi Omijeh, a BACP– registered therapist, mental health consultant and trainer.  “Call it out when you feel offended.”

But choose your words carefully, she advises: “Focus on using statements linked to your feelings [such as] ‘I felt hurt when you (insert specific example of what was inappropriate)’. End with what you would like to happen [for example], ‘I would like an apology’ or ‘some time’ or ‘no further contact’.”

What is cyber bullying?

“Bullying behaviour is targeted specific behaviour, intended to cause harm, and persists over a period of time,” Omijeh explains. That’s not to say a one-off incident of trolling should be ignored, however.

“Comments can still cause harm regardless of intent to do so. Both bullying and inappropriate comments can impact a person’s emotional wellbeing,” she continues, which is why it’s important to consider how you come across online, and engage with others in a respectful way, even if you vehemently disagree with their viewpoint.

How can you call someone out with kindness?

Whether they’re directed at you or someone else, offensive comments on social media can be absolutely enraging. You may be tempted to start bashing away at your keyboard, crafting an expletive-ridden response, but if you want to be kind, you’ve got to stay calm.

“If you wouldn’t say it to the person’s face, don’t say it online,” is Omijeh’s first rule. “Remind yourself of the human behind the screen. That should influence how kind and respectful you are.”

Next, if you do decide to reply, she advises: “Consider your intent when you want to say something… If it’s a sensitive subject you are about to discuss, ask if it’s OK to discuss it. Pause before pressing send, read it out loud and hear how it sounds.”

Sometimes, however, it’s better to focus on “positive interactions and kind acts or comments, and also [make] use of report buttons”.

It’s better to ignore and, possibly, block the offending person when, Omijeh says: “it is no longer good for your mental health and wellbeing to continue to engage in the interaction. When your clear boundaries have been ignored or disrespected [or] when the individual takes no accountability for the hurt caused”.

How should you talk to children about online interactions?

“Start conversations about responsible internet use early,” says Lisette Kuijt, child psychologist at online tutoring platform GoStudent. “Aim to keep this conversation open and make it a safe space, with no judgement or ‘wrong’ questions. As your child gets older, keep revisiting the topic.”

As a starting point, talk to your child about what kindness means, she recommends: “Ask them to tell you what behaviour they think is unacceptable, and see if this aligns with your ideas.”

Ask your child to consider how words can be harmful, Kuijt says: “Educate your child on the impact that cyberbullying can have, why it isn’t acceptable, and the steps they can take if they, or another person, is being bullied. It is important to stress that if your child encounters behaviour that makes them uncomfortable, they should report it to an adult that they trust.”

As well as teaching children, educate yourself about the social media and gaming platforms they use.

“Watch that TikTok that your child wants to show you – and ask about it. Play an online game with them, or take a look at their Instagram feed,” Kuijt says, then you’ll be better prepared to discuss how your child should be conducting themselves online. “If you see your child laughing at a video or comment that is unkind, calmly explain why the content might be hurtful to another, and have an open discussion about it.”